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mtgcnv67
My baby is 12 days old, and tonight will be his 3rd night in the hospital.
I went in to see a Lactation Consultant, expecting to be gone for 2 hours. He had a rash on his chest that I asked the doctor about, and since I was just sitting in the room pumping milk for the test, she decided to call a pediatrician in to take a look at him. She took more interest in his firm, bloated-looking belly than the rash, and sent us down to have some xrays done. The xrays showed a little bit of gas built up, and she sent us to a children's hospital.
We're still waiting for the test results, but the doctors here are leaning towards "Hirschspring's Disease": there are nerves in the intestines that retract and contract to slowly push gas and waste through...HD is a LACK of those nerves, so gas and waste just build up until the pressure is so big that they sort of "explode" through. It makes it very hard and painful to go to the bathroom and pass gas.
If it's found early enough, they can just do a surgery to cut out the section without the nerves and connect the rectum to the closest part where the nerves do work; the child can grow up to be normal and not reall yknow the difference. However, if the problem is beyond a certain point, then they have to surgically do a "stoma", where a hole is cut in the abdomen and the intestines are pulled out through the hole and waste passes out into a bag for the rest of his life.
We're still waiting on the results, so we're not sure if it's HD or not, but all the signs point to it. I'm doing okay coping with the hospital itself; he's got IVs and monitors hooked up to him, but he's a lot more quiet and content than he was at home (struggling to eat and pass stool/gas). It's the thought of the "worst case scenario" I mentioned, and the fact that I read online about "if you've had one child with HD, then you're more likely to have another child with HD". These are the things that are upsetting me, and I'm not sure how to handle it.
It's hard enough to think about your child growing up "different", and being self-conscious about being "different". Internet and doctors tell me this was not my fault, but I can't help but have the guilt of bringing this child into the world who's going to suffer his whole life. And now, the thought of having more children with a similar disease is making me afraid...we wanted 3 kids...but right now, I'm afraid to try again and risk bringing another child into the world who must suffer.
I haven't told my husband about this fear; mostly because it just started and we're not together at the moment (he went home for the night; I'm staying at the hospital). But I'm afraid of what he's going to think when I tell him I feel this way: will he be worried/upset that I may not be willing to have more kids? will he be willing to support me and this idea, or will he hold a grudge if I ask to stick to it?
How do I cope with these thoughts, fears, feelings? How do I live with the thought that this poor child is going to suffer through life because I brought him into the world with this disease?
Answer
It'll take time to cope. Don't ask so much of yourself. You have to go through the guilt and process it. You're built to adapt - to anything like this, in time. You can't live with emotional suffering, and the suffering itself changes your thinking, changes your perspective, teaches you how to accept. Nobody can tell you how to do it. You have to go through. Even if it were true that something you did led to your son having a condition, you would still have to adapt.
The people who are telling you about faith in god - I'm not a believer in a god, but having children taught me about faith. Faith is the key. You have to recognize that it is out of your hands. You might feel you were rational in your decision to have children, but there is an irrational element to it that is unavoidable. Reproduction is a drive. Even the sex is not rational - it sort of does us, as much as we do it. Making babies - it happens for us, through us, at least as much as we "do it."
Look at that baby. He's beyond you already. You can only do so much for him, just like you could only do so much to ensure his health while you were pregnant. It is out of your hands. It is the work of nature, of the world of flesh we are part of, of god or whatever - and you must accept, you must put your heart at risk and have faith that your best is good enough, your love is enough. It will always be that way - and having to understand that and surrender to it, makes the difference in you, that turns you into a mother. It is why becoming a mother is a passage. You have to go through to understand. It is hard. But we all do it.
You have plenty of time to worry about the pros and cons of having more children. Plenty! Years. Put that aside for now, let it be uncertain until the situation with your little boy is stabilized. Take for granted that your husband most likely already understands your feelings and fears, which are totally natural. He surely has similar ones. All that is needed is for you to trust one another. Best wishes to you and your boy.
It'll take time to cope. Don't ask so much of yourself. You have to go through the guilt and process it. You're built to adapt - to anything like this, in time. You can't live with emotional suffering, and the suffering itself changes your thinking, changes your perspective, teaches you how to accept. Nobody can tell you how to do it. You have to go through. Even if it were true that something you did led to your son having a condition, you would still have to adapt.
The people who are telling you about faith in god - I'm not a believer in a god, but having children taught me about faith. Faith is the key. You have to recognize that it is out of your hands. You might feel you were rational in your decision to have children, but there is an irrational element to it that is unavoidable. Reproduction is a drive. Even the sex is not rational - it sort of does us, as much as we do it. Making babies - it happens for us, through us, at least as much as we "do it."
Look at that baby. He's beyond you already. You can only do so much for him, just like you could only do so much to ensure his health while you were pregnant. It is out of your hands. It is the work of nature, of the world of flesh we are part of, of god or whatever - and you must accept, you must put your heart at risk and have faith that your best is good enough, your love is enough. It will always be that way - and having to understand that and surrender to it, makes the difference in you, that turns you into a mother. It is why becoming a mother is a passage. You have to go through to understand. It is hard. But we all do it.
You have plenty of time to worry about the pros and cons of having more children. Plenty! Years. Put that aside for now, let it be uncertain until the situation with your little boy is stabilized. Take for granted that your husband most likely already understands your feelings and fears, which are totally natural. He surely has similar ones. All that is needed is for you to trust one another. Best wishes to you and your boy.
How do they turn a 1960 movie into an incredible picture, HD? I got freaked out tonight!?
Q. Tonight I saw a movie filmed when I was a baby (1960). We watched it on TV and it was upgraded to look like UNBELIEVABLE pictures, like it was filmed yesterday! How do they do this?
Answer
They have sophisticated software that takes old film, load it into a device that pulls the image up on a computer monitor screen. Then the fun begins. The software they use can enchance each frame of the filmby digitally re filming it , restoring the color, clarity , and the soundtrackBut it's a tedious process that involves many steps.(and it's very expensive)The American Film Insitute has a site online. They're involved in restoring old, decaying films. You can read a lot of fascinating articles about how they do it.
Over 60% of the films made in 1970 and going back to the 1940's are dust now.
They have sophisticated software that takes old film, load it into a device that pulls the image up on a computer monitor screen. Then the fun begins. The software they use can enchance each frame of the filmby digitally re filming it , restoring the color, clarity , and the soundtrackBut it's a tedious process that involves many steps.(and it's very expensive)The American Film Insitute has a site online. They're involved in restoring old, decaying films. You can read a lot of fascinating articles about how they do it.
Over 60% of the films made in 1970 and going back to the 1940's are dust now.
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